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Earlier this month, I led a workshop for <a data-mce-href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/aidaramosmartinez/" href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/aidaramosmartinez/">Aída Ramos's</a> "New(ish) in Madrid" community on identity - and the conversation highlighted just how complex it becomes when you move abroad.A room full of women from different countries, careers and cultures sat together.&nbsp; Our stories were different, but the same themes kept surfacing.You build a life - a career you’re proud of, friendships that sustain you, roles that make sense… and then you move abroad and everything changes. All at once. Your routines, your networks, your status, even the way you introduce yourself.You arrive in a new city and suddenly you’re not sure who you are anymore.That’s the quiet cost of international moves that often gets overlooked.<h3>1. The identity gap no one talks about </h3>What came up again and again was this: so much of our identity is tied to what we do for a living.<figure id="figure-wczsiagm9vemi7lsawz" class=""><img id="wczsiagm9vemi7lsawz" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/2223235819/photo/indian-entrepreneur-manager-businesswoman-using-pc-for-communication-learning-at-workplace.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=uIwlG7ObC2nWn3-OBB3GBx2YND0YIPeuj5YLcjRrU3g=" alt="Indian entrepreneur manager businesswoman using pc for communication, learning at workplace. Focused latin hispanic young business woman working on laptop computer sitting at office workplace desk" title="Indian entrepreneur manager businesswoman using pc for communication, learning at workplace. Focused latin hispanic young business woman working on laptop computer sitting at office workplace desk" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/2223235819/photo/indian-entrepreneur-manager-businesswoman-using-pc-for-communication-learning-at-workplace.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=uIwlG7ObC2nWn3-OBB3GBx2YND0YIPeuj5YLcjRrU3g=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;"></figure>Back home, your work gave you rhythm and purpose. It told you where to be, what you were good at and how you contributed. It shaped how you saw yourself - and how others saw you.When you relocate, especially as an accompanying partner, that part can disappear overnight.You move for your partner’s role. And whilst everyone, yourself included, assumes the time off will feel like a gift, it rarely does. Your visa doesn’t allow you to work locally. And even if you can work remotely, that sense of being cut off from the team - from your in-person professional identity - hits harder than expected.A client said to me recently: “I know I should feel lucky - I don’t have to work here, and part of me enjoys the break. But without my job, I don’t recognise myself.”&nbsp; She’s not alone. Many of the women I coach carry a quiet guilt: “I should be grateful… so why do I feel unanchored?”Because work isn’t just work. It's identity.<h3>2. What identity is really made of</h3>Identity isn’t one thing — it has four parts:<ul><li>What we do -&nbsp;the routines, responsibilities and work that structure our days (e.g. your job, daily rhythm).</li><li>What we value - the principles that guide us (e.g. independence, contribution, creativity, stability etc.).</li><li>Who we are in relation to others - the roles we play (e.g. partner, parent, friend, colleague).</li><li>What we’re good (or not so good) at - the strengths and skills that shape our confidence (e.g. communicating well, organising life, making friends easily — or struggling with admin, uncertainty, or social situations in a new language).</li></ul>When you move abroad, all four can shift at the same time.<figure id="figure-bpfs83q67smiczzd4j"><img id="bpfs83q67smiczzd4j" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/1358643526/photo/four-puzzle-pieces-standing-3d.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=t3RDXNkuIuIUrS_f3RDj8OA3Oxb4nSxCXyyNxFl8K_4=" alt="Four puzzle pieces standing 3D" title="Four puzzle pieces standing 3D" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: undefined undefined;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/1358643526/photo/four-puzzle-pieces-standing-3d.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=t3RDXNkuIuIUrS_f3RDj8OA3Oxb4nSxCXyyNxFl8K_4=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: undefined undefined;"></figure>A change in one area is manageable; a change in all four can feel like the ground has quietly moved beneath you.This is why the feeling of “I don’t recognise myself anymore” is so common — and so unsettling.<h3>3. Even when life looks better, identity can still wobble</h3>There’s also the cohort of women and families who move to Madrid on digital nomad visas - many from the US. On paper, the move brings clear benefits:<ul><li>lower cost of living</li><li>safer neighbourhoods</li><li>brilliant food</li><li>gorgeous weather</li><li>public transport that actually works</li></ul><figure id="figure-f59u9ncormiczqzs3" class=""><img id="f59u9ncormiczqzs3" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/1484854336/photo/woman-in-el-retiro-park-in-madrid.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=-sQuO6od72B3bZD6ITgC9DOStD5VDCbvRWvdUuETZUk=" alt="Woman in El Retiro Park in Madrid" title="Woman in El Retiro Park in Madrid" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: 50% 30%;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="50%" data-positiony="30%" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/1484854336/photo/woman-in-el-retiro-park-in-madrid.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=-sQuO6od72B3bZD6ITgC9DOStD5VDCbvRWvdUuETZUk=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: 50% 30%;"></figure>And yet, the identity challenges remain. The overwhelm of building a new community. The lack of family support. The cultural surprises that catch you off guard.Like discovering there’s no nursery provision in August, or the shift from car-based life to buses and metros, or realising your neighbours operate on an entirely different timetable.These things aren’t problems - they’re just different. But difference shapes identity.<h3>4. Why roles alone aren’t enough</h3>Another theme from the workshop was the recognition that roles like wife and mother may be deeply meaningful — but they aren’t enough on their own.Most women need something that’s theirs. Something that gives a sense of agency, curiosity or competence.&nbsp;And it doesn’t have to be a job. It can be:<ul><li>a running club</li><li>a yoga class</li><li>a language course</li><li>a volunteering role</li><li>the New(ish) monthly meet-ups</li><li>a creative project</li><li>a community you see regularly </li></ul>Something consistent. Something that reminds you who you are outside your relationships. Something that gives you your own space - even for an hour a week.The relief in the room was noticeable when women said this out loud. The recognition was immediate: Wanting something for yourself isn’t selfish. It’s healthy. It’s human.Identity isn’t fixed. It’s shaped. And reshapable.<h3>5. A new chapter - yours to write </h3>I ended the workshop with a quote from Michelle Obama:“If you don’t get out there and define yourself, you’ll be quickly and inaccurately defined by others.”Moving abroad gives you a blank page - whether you asked for one or not. But a blank page isn’t a demand to reinvent yourself. It’s an invitation to pause, reassess and redefine what matters within the reality of your situation: your visa, your childcare responsibilities, your partner’s schedule, your energy.These constraints are real. And yet, within them, identity can evolve.It’s still your chapter to write.<h3>6. Reflection </h3>A few questions to ask yourself this month:<ul><li>Which parts of my identity have felt “on pause” since moving abroad?</li><li>What do I miss most about the person I was before the move?</li><li>Which routines or communities here could support the identity I want to grow into?</li><li>What’s one small thing I could do weekly — just for me?</li></ul>Small questions. Big clarity.&nbsp;<h3>7. A gentle invitation </h3>If reading this brings up something for you - if you’re feeling unanchored or unsure who you are without your old career or community - you don’t have to figure it out alone.I offer a free 30-minute discovery call where we can explore what’s feeling off, what you’d love to rebuild and how to start shaping a life here that feels like it belongs to you again.Book a time that suits you: <a data-mce-href="https://calendly.com/carmel-drake/discovery-call" href="https://calendly.com/carmel-drake/discovery-call">https://calendly.com/carmel-drake/discovery-call</a>Identity isn’t something that just happens. It’s something we shape - through reflection, intention and small, steady steps.

The Woman Behind the Move: Redefining Yourself After an International Relocation

Alone we’re weak,together we’re strong

During my first few years in Madrid, I worked in an office. Every morning around 11, we’d head down to a local bar for breakfast — colleagues chatting over coffee and pinchos of tortilla. I’d nod along to conversations I half-understood, playing what I can only describe as conversation tennis: turning my head from one speaker to the other, desperate to follow every word (without success) and rarely joining in. Everyone was warm and welcoming, yet I felt like I was watching my own life from the outside. I laughed in the right places and yet I still had that deep sense of being unseen — like a friendly hanger-on rather than a real participant.That’s the paradox of living abroad. You can be included, yet feel invisible.I recently listened to an episode of The Imperfects — a podcast hosted by three Australian blokes who have honest, often funny conversations about the struggles and imperfections of life. The August episode, “<a data-mce-href="https://podcasts.apple.com/es/podcast/dr-emily-were-longing-for-belonging/id1476501557?i=1000720507091" href="https://podcasts.apple.com/es/podcast/dr-emily-were-longing-for-belonging/id1476501557?i=1000720507091">We’re Longing for Belonging</a>” explores our fundamental human need to feel part of something. In it, Dr Emily Musgrove, the show’s resident psychologist, explains that belonging isn’t just a pleasant emotion; it’s essential. As Maslow’s hierarchy of needs reminds us, once our basic physical and safety needs are met, belonging sits at the very core of what it means to be human. It shapes our sense of identity, self-worth and wellbeing. Listening to Dr Emily, I realised how easy it is — especially for those of us living abroad — to mistake fitting in for truly belonging.<figure id="figure-obbgwfhr5mh0bc1rk"><img id="obbgwfhr5mh0bc1rk" src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/3b5JJ1ZWt54IrbdVe36g8GbpyjdgYuYpFEUxK9mLr6Z8xz4zx132CBvlsL3DBaCU.png" alt="Maslows hierarchy of needs, 3d rendering" title="Maslows hierarchy of needs, 3d rendering" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: 50% 50%;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="50%" data-positiony="50%" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/3b5JJ1ZWt54IrbdVe36g8GbpyjdgYuYpFEUxK9mLr6Z8xz4zx132CBvlsL3DBaCU.png" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: 50% 50%;"></figure>For many women who’ve relocated to Madrid for their partner’s job, that distinction is painfully real. You’ve given up your career, your social circle, perhaps even your sense of purpose — and now you find yourself in a life that looks lovely on paper, yet feels slightly hollow. It’s a kind of quiet loneliness that doesn’t come from being alone, but from not feeling like you belong.<h3>1. Belonging vs Fitting In</h3>The Imperfects episode captured this difference perfectly. Fitting in is about adapting — changing yourself to be accepted. Belonging is about being accepted as you are. When we chase fitting in, we risk abandoning parts of ourselves in the process. True belonging requires vulnerability — letting people see us, even when we’re unsure if we’ll be accepted.For anyone who’s moved abroad, this lands hard. When your surroundings, language and daily rhythm all shift, it’s easy to lose sight of who you are and what anchors you. That identity loss after moving can leave you searching for belonging in places that never quite feel secure.<h3>2. Belonging and Connection: Similar but Not the Same</h3>Listening to the podcast also made me reflect on the difference between connection and belonging. Connection is about relationship — the conversations, shared laughs and fleeting moments of understanding that remind us we’re not alone. Belonging runs deeper. It’s the quiet certainty that we’re accepted as we are, that we’ve found a place where we truly fit.You can have plenty of connection without ever feeling belonging — but you can’t have belonging without connection. When I first moved abroad, I built plenty of connections: dinners out, weekends away, hikes in the sierra (it helped that I was in my late 20s). But real belonging took longer. It required time, vulnerability and mutual acceptance.<h3>3. The In-Between World</h3>Once you’ve lived abroad, belonging becomes more complex. You start to straddle two worlds. When you visit your country of origin, you realise you’ve changed — you see things differently, you don’t quite fit the old mould. But in your adopted country, you’re still marked as different.It’s a strange kind of limbo — rooted in two places, but never fully at home in either. At first, I found this unsettling. Now, I genuinely see it as richness. Living between cultures gives you perspective, empathy and adaptability. It’s taught me that belonging abroad isn’t about geography. It’s about authenticity — being grounded in who you are, wherever you are.&nbsp; <figure id="figure-3kf7se6tjqmh0bl1nt"><img id="3kf7se6tjqmh0bl1nt" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/2192606526/photo/feet-straddling-the-prime-meridian-at-greenwich-london.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=2Qg20uwjoBnRQUnGQQPvGSqRscRRKurnc8lngQ6vHWQ=" alt="Feet straddling the Prime Meridian at Greenwich, London." title="Feet straddling the Prime Meridian at Greenwich, London." class="object-cover bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/2192606526/photo/feet-straddling-the-prime-meridian-at-greenwich-london.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=2Qg20uwjoBnRQUnGQQPvGSqRscRRKurnc8lngQ6vHWQ=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: center center;"></figure><h3>4. How to Rebuild Belonging Abroad</h3>If you’re feeling on the sidelines of your own life right now, these ideas might help:<ul><li>Start small. Look for micro-moments of connection: a familiar face at the café, a short chat at school pick-up.</li><li>Lean into your difference. Your accent, background and story make you interesting. Belonging doesn’t require sameness.</li><li>Challenge your narrative. If your inner voice says “I don’t belong here”, notice it — and ask whether it’s really true.</li><li>Create belonging for others. When you make others feel seen, you build genuine community.</li><li>Stay patient. True belonging takes time. It grows through consistency, not intensity.</li></ul>These small steps may not change everything overnight, but they lay the groundwork for how to feel at home abroad in a way that’s authentic and sustainable.<h3>5. Reflection</h3>I’d love to invite you to pause and reflect for a moment. Next time you're out for a walk or in the shower, have a think about:<ul><li>What does belonging mean to you?</li><li>When have you felt most at home in yourself or your surroundings?</li><li>What helps you feel part of something bigger?</li><li>How has living abroad shaped your understanding of belonging?</li><li>And what might “home” mean to you now?</li></ul>These aren’t quick questions. But reflecting on them is often the first step towards rebuilding a stronger sense of belonging — both to place and to self.<h3>6. A Gentle Invitation</h3>If you’d like support to reconnect with yourself and shape what this next chapter looks like for you, my Belonging Abroad coaching program might be a good place to start.It’s a 4-session one-to-one program designed to help you rebuild confidence, find clarity and start creating a life here that feels genuinely yours. The programme is currently available for €299.If you’re curious, the best next step is to book a free 30-minute discovery call - a chance to talk about where you are now, what you’d like to change and how coaching could help.<a data-mce-href="https://calendly.com/carmel-drake/discovery-call" href="https://calendly.com/carmel-drake/discovery-call">Click here</a> to book a time that suits you.&nbsp;Because belonging isn’t something that just happens. It’s something we build — through connection, authenticity and small, intentional steps 💪🏼✨

Belonging Abroad: Why Life Can Feel Lonely — and What You Can Do About It

I share my reflections on my last twelve months to inspire you to look back on yours; and to plan for the year ahead.As the year draws to a close, it's a perfect time to pause and take stock of how far we've come. The busyness of life, coupled with our tendency to focus on what's still left to do, often makes us overlook our achievements and learnings, and even take them for granted. But taking a moment to reflect can be incredibly rewarding. Here’s a glimpse into my year—not as a blueprint, but as an invitation for you to consider your own journey.<h3>Reflecting on 2024 </h3>This year has been full of personal and professional milestones for me, and each one holds a story. I've selected a few to share here:1️⃣&nbsp; Moving into Our Renovated Home: The reno itself was a chaotic and highly stressful experience, and the move was hectic, but six months into living in our new home and it now feels worth it! What big changes or projects have you tackled this year? 2️⃣ Youngest Starting School: This was a bittersweet milestone. Inevitably it was more of a big deal for me than it was for her. I'm not a huge fan of babies so I've been looking forward to her reaching this stage but now my baby is such a big girl! What transitions have defined your year?3️⃣ Logging 100+ Coaching Hours (in Two Languages!): Supporting more clients and working in both Spanish and English has given me a real confidence boost and sense of pride and satisfaction. And I'll be sitting the final exam to obtain my ICF ACC accreditation in January. How have you stretched yourself professionally? 4️⃣ Delivering My First Webinars: Transforming nerves into opportunities to connect and grow has been terrifying. But receiving positive feedback and witnessing the shifts participants make in such a short space of time has been wonderful! How have you stepped out of your comfort zone?5️⃣ Developing A Group Coaching Program for Expat Spouses: Creating, getting feedback on and preparing to launch something new for a community I deeply care about has been emotional and exciting. What new initiatives have you been working on? Reflecting doesn’t mean only celebrating wins—it’s also about acknowledging learnings. After working on my own as a translator for so long, one lesson I’ve learnt this year is the power of collaboration, which leads me to…<h3>My Word for 2025: Networking</h3>For years, networking was something I absolutely dreaded. Rocking up to a venue where I knew no-one to work the room always felt smarmy and very un-me. But this year, I discovered the joy! Teaming up with Emma at <a data-mce-href="https://www.momentum-coaching.co.uk/" href="https://www.momentum-coaching.co.uk/">Momentum Coaching</a> and attending more events both in person and online through the <a data-mce-href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/iwbbabroad" href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/iwbbabroad">IWBB in Madrid</a> and <a data-mce-href="https://www.igcompany.co.uk/" href="https://www.igcompany.co.uk/">In Good Company</a>, has proved fun and incredibly valuable. In fact, I now have plans to organise networking events of my own together with Samara of <a data-mce-href="https://madridconpeques.com/" href="https://madridconpeques.com/">Madridconpeques</a> fame in 2025! Watch this space for details...<h3>Looking Ahead to 2025 </h3>In the meantime, here are a few of my goals for the year ahead:<ul><li>Launching my Group Coaching Program for Expat Spouses in Q1 2025.</li><li>Running more webinars and getting to grips with email marketing to offer genuine on-going value to existing and potential clients.</li><li>Being organised and focused enough throughout the year to take six weeks off over the summer to be with my girls during their school holidays (well half of them...yes, we really do have 11 week summer holidays in Spain!).</li></ul><h3>Your Turn: Reflect and Refocus </h3>Now it’s over to you. As you read this, I invite you to grab a pen, pour your favourite drink and take some time to reflect, even if it's only 15 minutes on your commute. Look back through your calendar, photo reel, journal (if you keep one 😇) for inspiration and reminders of what you've actually done.&nbsp;Here are a few prompts to get you started:<ul><li>What’s the one achievement from 2024 that you’re most proud of?</li><li>What was the biggest challenge you faced and what did it teach you?</li><li>What’s one thing you want to focus on in 2025? </li></ul>If you’re ready to set meaningful goals for the year ahead, let’s talk. I’d love to help you make 2025 your most fulfilling year yet. <a data-mce-href="https://calendly.com/carmel-drake/discovery-call" href="https://calendly.com/carmel-drake/discovery-call">Book a discovery call now</a> for the new year and let’s explore what’s possible.And if you want to find out more about the programs you could embark on with me, check out <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/work-with-me/timetothink" href="https://carmeldrake.com/work-with-me/timetothink">Time to Think</a>, <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/work-with-me/wings-to-fly" href="https://carmeldrake.com/work-with-me/wings-to-fly">Wings to Fly</a> and <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/work-with-me/own-your-journey" href="https://carmeldrake.com/work-with-me/own-your-journey">Own Your Journey</a> here. I work together with each client to co-create their coaching program to suit their experience, needs and desires 🫶🏼

From 2024 to 2025: Reflect, Review, Refocus

At the start of 2024, I decided to follow the trend of choosing a single word to guide my year. My word? Play. For me, play is about bringing fun, laughter and experimentation into everyday life – a deliberate attempt to balance out the many responsibilities that come with work, family and adulthood. My progress has not been linear and there's still scope for me to be even more playful, but ten months on, I’m loving the new lightness and energy this focus on play brings to my life.<h3>Why Play Matters</h3>As adults, it’s easy to get stuck in routines and lose the spontaneity we had as children. I chose play as an antidote to the structure and seriousness of everyday responsibilities, and simply to bring a smile to my face. I see this with my clients, too; we often neglect fun in favour of productivity and feel guilty about setting aside time for ourselves. But PLAY IS ESSENTIAL – it gives us energy, boosts creativity, and enhances our well-being.This year, I’ve noticed that even small pockets of play can create a big difference. Making time for a weekly date night with my husband, for example, has been a simple but impactful way to reconnect and have fun. Some weeks, it’s just a walk or a quick drink; other weeks, we try something new, like a gallery or an outdoor activity. These moments remind me that play doesn’t have to be grand – it just needs to be intentional.<h3>Bringing Play Into Work </h3>Another revelation has been that play can be part of my professional life, too. After connecting with a successful coach here in Madrid who emphasises curiosity and fun, I’ve tried to bring a lighter approach to my work. Hosting my first webinar and sharing my face more on social media, for instance, were experiments that pushed me out of my comfort zone and brought a surprising sense of enjoyment.Integrating play into my work doesn’t mean being unprofessional; it’s about allowing room for creativity and embracing a more spontaneous, flexible mindset. I encourage my clients to do the same – to see challenges from a fresh angle and make work feel a little less rigid. In fact, this energy is something I aim to bring into my coaching sessions, showing that personal growth doesn’t have to be all serious and heavy.<h3>Ideas to Be More Playful</h3>If you’re looking to incorporate more play into your own life, start small. Here are a few ideas that have worked for me or that I’m eager to try:Try something creative: Whether it’s book folding, painting, cooking or sewing, exploring a new hobby can really shake things up. For me, a Friday morning workshop at <a data-mce-href="https://www.instagram.com/hollyalbert.art/" href="https://www.instagram.com/hollyalbert.art/">Holly Albert</a>’s studio is the perfect way to disconnect and experiment - Holly is a talented British artist based in Madrid who teaches even the most uncreative amongst us to produce artistic masterpieces!Shift your routine: If your days feel repetitive, even a small change – like switching up your breakfast or taking a new route on your morning walk – can make life feel fresher and more open.Inject play into your day every day: Look for little opportunities for fun. Play a song you love while you're putting your makeup on, have a five-minute dance break or leave a note for a loved one.Let yourself say “yes” more: This doesn’t mean overcommitting but rather giving yourself permission to explore new activities or accept an invitation you’d usually turn down. Play is often about being open to the unknown. &nbsp; By inviting play into our lives, we allow ourselves to experience more freedom and joy, even amid the hustle and bustle of life. So, what’s one playful thing you’ll do this week? Send me a message through the contact form – I’d love to hear your ideas!And if your idea of play involves trying something new, then check out my post from last month: <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/doing-something-for-the-first-time" href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/doing-something-for-the-first-time">Doing Something For the First Time? 🍒</a>

Rediscovering Play 🙃

Earlier this month, I did something that felt scary—I joined the gym for the first time in 20 years. Since becoming a mum, juggling work, life and two daughters (aged 5 and 3) means my regular workout routine has long been relegated to the back burner.In the past, I’ve had times when exercise was a regular part of my life, but more recently, I've found it tough to re-establish any consistency. I’ve spent hours researching classes, browsing for new gym gear (Decathlon or Lululemon?!), and trialling a few sessions here and there. But none of that got me to stick with it. Until a few weeks ago, I finally gave myself a firm pep talk, threw out the excuses, and committed.I didn’t reinvent the wheel; instead, I copied my husband’s formula. He’s been working out 3-4 times a week for as long as I’ve known him—even through the pandemic. His secret? Get it done first thing in the morning (7am when the gym opens) and use an exercise app that keeps him on track (Freeletics), which is now working wonders for me too.Three weeks in and I’m going twice a week every week. Now I'm not going to be lifting 50kg any time soon, but that's ok. I’m loving it and I'm already feeling stronger!&nbsp; <h3>That First-Time Feeling</h3>When I first walked into the gym, I was hit with a wave of nerves. Picture it: an underground gym, dim lighting, loud music, and a sea of multicoloured dumbbells, kettlebells and massive disc weights. Sensory overload! I felt out of place, self-conscious and had no idea what to do with most of the equipment.On top of that, my trusty app wouldn’t work underground. After a brief moment of panic, I realised something important—no one was paying any attention to me. Everyone was just focused on doing their own thing. With some trial and error, I figured out that putting my phone in airplane mode let me use the app offline and that simple switch made my second session so much smoother.By the third session, I was already learning the ropes. I knew the quieter areas in the gym, the best spots to work out and had even started to feel like I belonged there. By the fourth session, I realised I was no longer “someone who thinks about going to the gym”—I was actually someone who goes to the gym. Sure, there are still exercises that challenge me, but now I’m completing 80-90% of my workouts and the confidence I’ve gained is incredible.<h3>The Comfort of Familiarity</h3>This whole experience contrasted dramatically with another “first” this month—sending my youngest to infants school for the first time. Two years ago, I was in a total panic when we did this with my eldest. Now, don't get my wrong, I LOVE the school my girls go to, but there's no denying that the "vuelta" is very last minute. For example, the parents' meeting for my youngest this year was on Tuesday 3rd September and she started her settling in period the very next day!Back in 2022 with my eldest, I was stressed, scrambling to get everything ready in time. But this time around? I surprised myself at how calm and collected I felt. I’d been through it before and I knew the drill. This reminded me of how much easier things get the second, third or even fourth time you do them. There’s such value in capturing those early learnings and building from there.<h3>Feeling ready to take that first step?</h3>So if you’re thinking of trying something new—whether it’s a workout routine, a career change, a new hobby or even a side hustle—we all need a bit of support at the beginning<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(18px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-weight: inherit; font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); background-color: rgba(249,250,251,var(--tw-bg-opacity));" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(18px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-weight: inherit; font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); background-color: rgba(249,250,251,var(--tw-bg-opacity));">. If you're contemplating taking on something new but feeling unsure about where to start, <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/contact" href="https://carmeldrake.com/contact">get in touch with me</a>. Together, we can explore how to get you moving forward with clarity and confidence.Or, if you're curious about taking action even when things aren’t perfect, check out my article on <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/embracing-imperfect-action-in-pursuit-of-our-goals" href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/embracing-imperfect-action-in-pursuit-of-our-goals">embracing imperfect action in pursuit of your goals</a>.You’ve got this. 🍒

Doing something for the first time? 🍒

In <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/the-power-of-expectations-part-1--expectations-of-ourselves" href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/the-power-of-expectations-part-1--expectations-of-ourselves">Part 1</a> of this series, I explored how the expectations we set for ourselves shape our experiences and well-being. Now, let’s delve into a more complex aspect: our expectations of others and the expectations they have of us. These mutual expectations can have a profound impact on our quality of life, relationships, careers, and overall sense of fulfilment. Understanding and managing them is essential for living a balanced, intentional and happy life.<h3>The Impact of Expectations on Relationships</h3>Expectations in relationships, whether personal or professional, are often unspoken but deeply felt. We may assume that others should know what we want or need without explicitly communicating it. We can experience frustration and/or disappointment when those expectations are unmet.Research shows that unmet expectations in relationships often stem from a lack of clear communication. Partners who discuss their expectations openly tend to experience higher relationship satisfaction and less conflict. Regularly checking in with those around you—whether it's your partner, colleagues or friends—can prevent misunderstandings and help align mutual expectations .Practical Tip: Make it a habit to discuss expectations openly. Simple questions like, "What do you expect from me in this situation?" or "Here’s what I’m hoping for; how does that align with your expectations?" can significantly improve communication and relationship satisfaction.<h3>Navigating the Expectations Others Have of Us</h3>The expectations others place on us can be overwhelming, especially when they conflict with our values or capabilities. Whether it’s meeting a partner’s needs, living up to a boss’s standards or fulfilling family obligations, these external pressures can lead to stress and resentment if not managed effectively.A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology highlights that misaligned expectations at work often result in lower job satisfaction and higher levels of burnout . This underscores the importance of aligning expectations through dialogue and setting realistic boundaries.Practical Tip: Be clear (with yourself and others) about what you can realistically offer. If you’re feeling pressured, it is okay to say, "I understand that this is important to you, but here’s what I’m realistically able to deliver", no matter how awkward it feels. This not only protects your well-being but also fosters mutual respect and understanding.<h3>Disarming Others with Effective Communication</h3>We often expect others to react in a certain way, especially when we've known them for a long time. These expectations can lead to predictable, sometimes negative interactions. Dr. David Burns, a renowned psychiatrist and author, offers a powerful strategy within his "<a data-mce-href="https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/0af5a-the-five-secrets-v-1.pdf" href="https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/0af5a-the-five-secrets-v-1.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Five Secrets of Effective Communication</a>" called disarming. The idea is simple yet profound: the next time you feel upset by a comment your partner or colleague makes, instead of jumping in to defend yourself or arguing off the bat, find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable at fi<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(18px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-weight: inherit; font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); background-color: rgba(249,250,251,var(--tw-bg-opacity));">rst. And even if the truth only represents 10% of the overall comment. This unexpected approach can defuse tension and open up a more constructive dialogue.Practical Tip: Next time you're in a difficult conversation, try disarming the other person by acknowledging the truth in their perspective. For instance, if a colleague criticises your work, instead of getting defensive, you might say, "You’re right, I can see how that part of the project might not be meeting your expectations. Let’s discuss how we can improve it." In my own experience, this technique is extremely powerful despite it's simplicity. It can transform the dynamics of your interactions and reduce the stress that comes from expecting conflict.<h3>Moving Forward with Intentionality </h3>Managing the complex web of expectations—both your own and those of others—requires intentionality. It’s about being clear, communicative, and compassionate, both with yourself and those around you. By setting realistic expectations and fostering open dialogue, you can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships and create a life that aligns with your values.As best-selling novelist Anne Lamott wisely observed:"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." Being mindful of this, and remembering that it works both ways, can help you approach expectations with a healthier perspective, reducing the likelihood of disappointment and fostering a more positive, balanced life.

Carmel Drake | Executive & Expat Coach in Madrid

Blog

The Woman Behind the Move: Redefining Yourself After an I...

Belonging Abroad: Why Life Can Feel Lonely — and What You...

From 2024 to 2025: Reflect, Review, Refocus

Rediscovering Play 🙃

Doing something for the first time? 🍒

The Power of Expectations Part 2: Expectations of Others