How to Choose a Coach: What to Look for Before You Decide

A friend - let's call her Clare - was promoted recently. Her boss suggested that a coach might help as she stepped into the new role.

She agreed. There were some tricky relationships to navigate in her team, both upwards and downwards. She wanted somewhere outside of the organisation to think through how to handle them.

“I think I really need a coach,” she told me. “But how do I choose one?”

It’s such a simple question. But it doesn’t have an easy answer.

How do you know if someone is going to be a good coach for you before you’ve actually worked with them?

There isn’t one type of coach or one way of coaching. And, as Clare and I talked about what she was looking for, it became pretty clear that there isn’t one definition of what a good coaching relationship should feel like either.

She already knew something about what she wanted. She’d previously met a coach who was pretty hardcore. Blunt. Someone willing to call bullshit, question what she was saying and challenge her assumptions. She’d liked that. Someone else might hate it.

Which got me thinking about how personal the answer to “What makes a good coach?” actually is. Perhaps the question isn’t simply whether someone is a good coach. It’s whether they’re the right coach for you.

Start with the help you actually want

Before you look for a coach, I’d start with what’s actually going on for you.

Perhaps, like Clare, you’re taking on more responsibility and trying to manage some difficult relationships. You’re navigating upwards as well as downwards, or wondering how you need to work differently now that expectations of you have changed.

Or perhaps it’s something completely different. You’re considering leaving your job. You want to feel more confident speaking up. You keep having the same problem with different people. You’ve got a big decision to make and have analysed it so thoroughly that you can no longer tell what you actually think.

You don’t need to arrive at your first coaching session with a perfectly formed objective. Working out what’s really going on is often part of the work.

But it does help to think about the kind of help you want.

Sometimes what you actually want is someone who’s been there before and can tell you what worked for them. In that case, a mentor might be useful. Sometimes you need specialist expertise and a consultant is a better fit.

Coaching, at least as I was trained to practise it, is different.

I’m not there to take over someone’s thinking or supply the correct answer. Often there isn’t one.

That doesn’t mean I sit there nodding inanely while a client goes round in exactly the same circles they were going round in before. I question assumptions, notice contradictions, offer observations and ask directly about things they seem to be avoiding.

Ultimately, though, I’m not the one who has to live with the decision. They are.

My job is to help them think more clearly about what they want to do.

Look for a thinking partner, not a friend

Clare was clear that she wanted someone direct. She’d experienced that style before and found it helpful.

Someone else might want a gentler style. And the same person might want different things at different times.

But you’re not choosing a coach because you want a new friend. You’re choosing someone you hope will become a valuable thinking partner.

Of course you need to get on with them. You need to trust them. If I’m worried that you’re judging me, I'll likely give you the edited version. If I trust you, I’m much more likely to tell you what’s actually going on, including the bits I don’t particularly like admitting to myself.

But getting on with someone doesn’t mean they should always make you feel comfortable.

A good coaching relationship needs to feel safe. It doesn’t necessarily need to feel comfortable.

Sometimes the useful bit is the uncomfortable bit. Someone questions an assumption you hadn’t realised you were making. They point out that you’ve contradicted yourself. Or they ask about the thing you’ve carefully avoided talking about for the past 20 minutes.

So if you don’t immediately warm to a coach, I wouldn’t necessarily dismiss them. I’d be curious about why. Is there something about them that genuinely doesn’t feel right? Or have they made you uncomfortable because they’ve challenged you in a way you’re not used to?

Equally, being blunt doesn’t automatically make someone a good coach. Neither does being willing to “call bullshit”.

Challenge can sometimes become a performance in itself. Look how fearless I am. Look how willing I am to say the thing nobody else will say.

That’s not the point.

Challenge should help you see something you couldn’t see before.

Don’t overvalue relevant experience

It’s understandable to look for a coach who's done similar things to you.

If you work in finance, perhaps you want someone who understands numbers. If you lead a large team, perhaps you want somebody who has done that too.

And relevant experience can help. My own corporate background means there are situations clients describe that I recognise quickly. I understand the pressures, politics and expectations of working in a large organisation because I’ve been there myself.

But I don’t think a coach needs to have done your exact job in your exact industry to coach you well.

Sometimes not knowing can be useful. It makes you curious.

The risk with very similar experience is moving too quickly from I recognise this to I know what you should do.

Be cautious of anyone who seems more certain about your life after 30 minutes than you are after living it.

I could tell a client what I would do. But that would tell them quite a lot about me and not necessarily very much about the right decision for them.

So I’d want someone who understands enough about my world to engage intelligently with it, but who’s also curious about how I experience that world. Someone who uses their experience to understand, rather than prescribe.

Pay attention to the conversation

Most coaches will offer an introductory conversation before you decide whether to work together. I’d treat that as part of the decision, rather than a formality before signing up.

And, if you can, I’d speak to more than one coach.

Not because you need an elaborate procurement process, complete with scoring matrix. It’s just easier to notice what works for you when you have something to compare it with.

There are practical things you’ll want to know. Cost, timing, format and frequency. Confidentiality too, particularly if your employer is paying. And there may be conflicts of interest that mean someone can be an excellent coach and still not be the right person to coach you.

I’d look at training and credentials too. Qualifications won’t tell you whether you’re going to work well together, but I'd want to know that someone has undertaken reputable coach training and works within a professional and ethical framework.

But I wouldn’t go into an introductory call armed with a list of 25 questions.

Have the conversation.

Then afterwards, ask yourself five:

• Does this person understand the kind of challenges I want help with?
• Do I feel safe enough with them to be completely honest?
• Will they challenge me in a way that helps me think differently?
• Are they trying to understand me, rather than show me how much they know?
• Do I want to have another conversation with them?

That last one sounds almost too simple. But I think it matters.

And it’s not the same as asking "Did I like them?". 

You might leave the conversation feeling slightly unsettled because they asked you something you hadn’t considered before. That could be a reason to carry on, rather than a reason not to.

So how do you choose a coach?

I don’t think there’s a formula. The coach I’d choose might not be the coach you’d choose. The person who feels far too blunt for one client might be exactly what another is looking for. Relevant experience might matter enormously to you. Or hardly at all.

Perhaps the best question is this: is this someone with whom you could do your best thinking?

Because that, ultimately, is what you’re choosing. Not someone with all the answers, but someone who can help you get clearer about your own.

If you’re trying to work out what you actually want next in your career, I’m running a free, interactive webinar on 22 September: Stuck at a Career Crossroads? How to work out what you actually want next - when thinking harder isn’t helping. We’ll look at why more thinking doesn’t always lead to more clarity, how to look at your situation differently and some practical ways to start moving forward without having to make a big decision. You can find out more and register here. 

If you’re considering coaching and would like to find out how I work, I offer a free 30-minute discovery call. We can talk about what’s going on, what you’d like support with and whether the way I coach feels like a good fit for you.

And if it doesn’t, that’s important information too.