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Earlier this month, I did something that felt scary—I joined the gym for the first time in 20 years. Since becoming a mum, juggling work, life and two daughters (aged 5 and 3) means my regular workout routine has long been relegated to the back burner.In the past, I’ve had times when exercise was a regular part of my life, but more recently, I've found it tough to re-establish any consistency. I’ve spent hours researching classes, browsing for new gym gear (Decathlon or Lululemon?!), and trialling a few sessions here and there. But none of that got me to stick with it. Until a few weeks ago, I finally gave myself a firm pep talk, threw out the excuses, and committed.I didn’t reinvent the wheel; instead, I copied my husband’s formula. He’s been working out 3-4 times a week for as long as I’ve known him—even through the pandemic. His secret? Get it done first thing in the morning (7am when the gym opens) and use an exercise app that keeps him on track (Freeletics), which is now working wonders for me too.Three weeks in and I’m going twice a week every week. Now I'm not going to be lifting 50kg any time soon, but that's ok. I’m loving it and I'm already feeling stronger!&nbsp; <h3>That First-Time Feeling</h3>When I first walked into the gym, I was hit with a wave of nerves. Picture it: an underground gym, dim lighting, loud music, and a sea of multicoloured dumbbells, kettlebells and massive disc weights. Sensory overload! I felt out of place, self-conscious and had no idea what to do with most of the equipment.On top of that, my trusty app wouldn’t work underground. After a brief moment of panic, I realised something important—no one was paying any attention to me. Everyone was just focused on doing their own thing. With some trial and error, I figured out that putting my phone in airplane mode let me use the app offline and that simple switch made my second session so much smoother.By the third session, I was already learning the ropes. I knew the quieter areas in the gym, the best spots to work out and had even started to feel like I belonged there. By the fourth session, I realised I was no longer “someone who thinks about going to the gym”—I was actually someone who goes to the gym. Sure, there are still exercises that challenge me, but now I’m completing 80-90% of my workouts and the confidence I’ve gained is incredible.<h3>The Comfort of Familiarity</h3>This whole experience contrasted dramatically with another “first” this month—sending my youngest to infants school for the first time. Two years ago, I was in a total panic when we did this with my eldest. Now, don't get my wrong, I LOVE the school my girls go to, but there's no denying that the "vuelta" is very last minute. For example, the parents' meeting for my youngest this year was on Tuesday 3rd September and she started her settling in period the very next day!Back in 2022 with my eldest, I was stressed, scrambling to get everything ready in time. But this time around? I surprised myself at how calm and collected I felt. I’d been through it before and I knew the drill. This reminded me of how much easier things get the second, third or even fourth time you do them. There’s such value in capturing those early learnings and building from there.<h3>Feeling ready to take that first step?</h3>So if you’re thinking of trying something new—whether it’s a workout routine, a career change, a new hobby or even a side hustle—we all need a bit of support at the beginning<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(18px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-weight: inherit; font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); background-color: rgba(249,250,251,var(--tw-bg-opacity));" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(18px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-weight: inherit; font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); background-color: rgba(249,250,251,var(--tw-bg-opacity));">. If you're contemplating taking on something new but feeling unsure about where to start, <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/contact" href="https://carmeldrake.com/contact">get in touch with me</a>. Together, we can explore how to get you moving forward with clarity and confidence.Or, if you're curious about taking action even when things aren’t perfect, check out my article on <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/embracing-imperfect-action-in-pursuit-of-our-goals" href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/embracing-imperfect-action-in-pursuit-of-our-goals">embracing imperfect action in pursuit of your goals</a>.You’ve got this. 🍒

Doing something for the first time? 🍒

In <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/the-power-of-expectations-part-1--expectations-of-ourselves" href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/the-power-of-expectations-part-1--expectations-of-ourselves">Part 1</a> of this series, I explored how the expectations we set for ourselves shape our experiences and well-being. Now, let’s delve into a more complex aspect: our expectations of others and the expectations they have of us. These mutual expectations can have a profound impact on our quality of life, relationships, careers, and overall sense of fulfilment. Understanding and managing them is essential for living a balanced, intentional and happy life.<h3>The Impact of Expectations on Relationships</h3>Expectations in relationships, whether personal or professional, are often unspoken but deeply felt. We may assume that others should know what we want or need without explicitly communicating it. We can experience frustration and/or disappointment when those expectations are unmet.Research shows that unmet expectations in relationships often stem from a lack of clear communication. Partners who discuss their expectations openly tend to experience higher relationship satisfaction and less conflict. Regularly checking in with those around you—whether it's your partner, colleagues or friends—can prevent misunderstandings and help align mutual expectations .Practical Tip: Make it a habit to discuss expectations openly. Simple questions like, "What do you expect from me in this situation?" or "Here’s what I’m hoping for; how does that align with your expectations?" can significantly improve communication and relationship satisfaction.<h3>Navigating the Expectations Others Have of Us</h3>The expectations others place on us can be overwhelming, especially when they conflict with our values or capabilities. Whether it’s meeting a partner’s needs, living up to a boss’s standards or fulfilling family obligations, these external pressures can lead to stress and resentment if not managed effectively.A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology highlights that misaligned expectations at work often result in lower job satisfaction and higher levels of burnout . This underscores the importance of aligning expectations through dialogue and setting realistic boundaries.Practical Tip: Be clear (with yourself and others) about what you can realistically offer. If you’re feeling pressured, it is okay to say, "I understand that this is important to you, but here’s what I’m realistically able to deliver", no matter how awkward it feels. This not only protects your well-being but also fosters mutual respect and understanding.<h3>Disarming Others with Effective Communication</h3>We often expect others to react in a certain way, especially when we've known them for a long time. These expectations can lead to predictable, sometimes negative interactions. Dr. David Burns, a renowned psychiatrist and author, offers a powerful strategy within his "<a data-mce-href="https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/0af5a-the-five-secrets-v-1.pdf" href="https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/0af5a-the-five-secrets-v-1.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Five Secrets of Effective Communication</a>" called disarming. The idea is simple yet profound: the next time you feel upset by a comment your partner or colleague makes, instead of jumping in to defend yourself or arguing off the bat, find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable at fi<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(18px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-weight: inherit; font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); background-color: rgba(249,250,251,var(--tw-bg-opacity));">rst. And even if the truth only represents 10% of the overall comment. This unexpected approach can defuse tension and open up a more constructive dialogue.Practical Tip: Next time you're in a difficult conversation, try disarming the other person by acknowledging the truth in their perspective. For instance, if a colleague criticises your work, instead of getting defensive, you might say, "You’re right, I can see how that part of the project might not be meeting your expectations. Let’s discuss how we can improve it." In my own experience, this technique is extremely powerful despite it's simplicity. It can transform the dynamics of your interactions and reduce the stress that comes from expecting conflict.<h3>Moving Forward with Intentionality </h3>Managing the complex web of expectations—both your own and those of others—requires intentionality. It’s about being clear, communicative, and compassionate, both with yourself and those around you. By setting realistic expectations and fostering open dialogue, you can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships and create a life that aligns with your values.As best-selling novelist Anne Lamott wisely observed:"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." Being mindful of this, and remembering that it works both ways, can help you approach expectations with a healthier perspective, reducing the likelihood of disappointment and fostering a more positive, balanced life.

The Power of Expectations Part 2: Expectations of Others

caucasian girl doing yoga in city park. B

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the expectations you set for yourself? Striving for perfection often leads to disappointment when we fall short. But where do these expectations come from, and how can we manage them effectively?In this first part of a two-part series, I'll explore the impact of self-imposed expectations and share practical strategies for managing them. Next month, I’ll discuss the expectations we place on others and those that others place on us.<h3>Our Own High Standards</h3>We are often our harshest critics, setting unrealistic expectations influenced by societal norms, upbringing, and personal ambitions. Recognising these external influences is crucial.For instance, when I first moved to Madrid, the corporate culture’s emphasis on long hours made me equate dedication with excessive work, often at the expense of my well-being.Inspired by business guru Ali Abdaal’s productivity techniques, I now set achievable goals and <a data-mce-href="https://www.youtube.com/shorts/M92j0t_rjNs" href="https://www.youtube.com/shorts/M92j0t_rjNs">schedule dedicated time to complete the tasks</a>. Like drafting a month’s worth of social media content in one day, which will allow me to disconnect from work and enjoy my time away this summer. Breaking larger goals into manageable chunks makes success more attainable.<h3>Origins of Expectations</h3>Understanding the source of our expectations is key to managing them. Our self-esteem often becomes entangled with these expectations—we feel worthy when we achieve a lot. However, striving to excel in all aspects of life simultaneously—having a successful career, being the perfect parent and maintaining a pristine home—may be unrealistic.Instead of cherry-picking expectations based on societal ideals, I support my clients to recognise their unique journeys. I help them cultivate self-awareness and tailor their goals to their strengths, values, and needs. By doing so, they manage to reduce the pressure they impose on themselves and embrace their imperfections.<h3>My Personal Journey with Expectations</h3>When I moved to Spain, I expected to become fluent in Spanish within a year or two through total immersion. In reality, it took five years to feel confident. This experience taught me the importance of patience and setting realistic timelines for complex goals, a lesson that now serves me well in building my coaching practice. "Poco a poco"—one step at a time.<h3>Strategies for Managing Your Own Expectations</h3>Drawing on my own experiences and those of my clients, I've compiled 4 top strategies to help us all better manage our expectations of ourselves.&nbsp;1. Set Realistic Goals: Break down large goals into smaller, more manageable tasks.&nbsp; Example: If you want a clean and organised house, set aside 10 minutes every evening for a quick house reset rather than trying to clean the entire house in one go.2. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would a close friend. Check out my <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/being-kind-to-yourself--a-practical-guide-to-self-compassion" href="https://carmeldrake.com/blog/being-kind-to-yourself--a-practical-guide-to-self-compassion">practical 7-step guide to being kinder to yourself</a>.&nbsp; Example: When you make a mistake or say the wrong thing, instead of engaging in harsh self-criticism, take a moment to acknowledge your effort or intention and think about what you can learn from the experience.3. Reflect and Adjust: Life is dynamic, and so should be our goals. What might have been a priority last year might not hold the same significance now. Being flexible and adaptive helps us stay aligned with our evolving values and circumstances.&nbsp; Example: Review your goals at the end of each week and adjust your expectations accordingly. From a business perspective, I find a quarterly review particularly valuable.&nbsp;4. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Example: Share daily successes with a friend or write them in a journal to track and celebrate your progress.<h3>Reflect and Take Action</h3>Managing your own expectations is a journey of self-awareness and adjustment. By recognising the origins of our expectations and setting realistic goals, we can lead more fulfilling lives. Take time to reflect on your own expectations. Are they helping or hindering you? How can you adjust them to better support your well-being?What expectations are you setting for yourself today? This week? This quarter? How can you manage those expectations better? Share your thoughts on Instagram (<a data-mce-href="https://www.instagram.com/carmelthecoach/" href="https://www.instagram.com/carmelthecoach/">@carmelthecoach</a>), drop me a whatsapp voice note (+34 608 880 466) or reach out for coaching support."Our lives are shaped not as much by our experiences as by our expectations”- George Bernard Shaw

The Power of Expectations Part 1: Expectations of Ourselves

I didn't post last month because life got in the way. Moving house at the end of April was chaotic and stressful. But it did give me plenty of food for thought. And so I am back with avengence, with a particular interested in self-compassion.We all know about self-compassion in theory (if you're new to the concept or want to learn more, US pyschologist Kristin Neff is the guru, and you can check out her <a data-mce-href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4&amp;t=54s" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4&amp;t=54s" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Ted Talk here</a>). But, as I've discovered for myself over the last month, practising it can be another story. When we’re overstretched, under-resourced and, quite frankly, exhausted, how exactly can we be expected to show ourselves kindness?Here's my practical 7-step guide to acheiving just that.&nbsp;1. Allow Imperfection Perfection is an impossible standard. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Accept that mistakes are part of the human experience and offer yourself grace instead of criticism. Good enough is more than enough almost every time.&nbsp;2. Positive Affirmations Incorporate self-compassion into your daily routine with positive affirmations. Start your day with a positive statement like, “I'm doing my best, and that’s enough.” Try it. And end your day with a reflection: “What did I do well today? What can I let go of?” There's no need (or time) to analyse everything you did, just pick the one or two activities that pop into your head.&nbsp;3. Celebrate Small Wins In the rush of daily life, we often overlook our achievements. Take a moment to acknowledge your efforts and successes, no matter how small they might seem. Did you keep your children alive? Did you get through that difficult meeting? Did you show kindness to a stranger? Celebrate these moments.4. Schedule 'Me Time' Taking time for yourself can be easier said than done, but setting aside some time for yourself is essential. Start by scheduling an hour a week for yourself. Block the time out in your diary. And do something just for you. Walk. Stretch. Read. Draw. Dance. Laugh. Cry. Write. Protect this time and treat it as non-negotiable.5. Seek Support Self-compassion also means recognising when you need help. Don’t be shy about reaching out to friends, family, or a professional when you need support. Sometimes, just talking about your struggles can provide relief. I find that leaving a close friend a 5 minute Whatsapp voicenote works wonders. It helps me gain clarity and perspective on whatever's troubling me. And just talking things through lifts the weight from my shoulders.&nbsp;6. Talk to Yourself Like a Friend Notice the language you use when you talk to yourself. This one is huge. The way we talk to ourselves determines the quality of our life. And most of us would never talk to a friend, or even an enemy, in the way we talk to ourselves! The next time you forget something or make a mistake, instead of saying, "I can't believe I messed up again," try, "It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes". If a friend came to you feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, think about how you'd respond, and try adopting the same approach for yourself.&nbsp;7. Do Something That Fills Your Cup Once a month, do something that inspires and rejuvenates you. Here I'm talking about something bigger than the 1 hour a week time for yourself. Maybe go to a concert or a workshop. Have dinner with friends. Get a change of scenery if you can - head to the coast, the countryside, the mountains.&nbsp;This month, I went to a book folding workshop—I was invited by a friend and I had no idea what to expect but it was wonderfully inspiring and energising. Find something that excites you. Sign up. And show up.&nbsp;Conclusion We all know that life is not just about the goal but about the journey. Being kinder to ourselves along the way makes that journey much more enjoyable. Start with these practical steps to incorporate self-compassion into your daily life. Remember, you deserve the same kindness and care that you readily offer to others.

Be Kind to Yourself: A Practical Guide to Self-Compassion

Recently, whilst listening to <a data-mce-href="https://podcasts.apple.com/es/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-with-steven-bartlett/id1291423644?i=1000650694138" href="https://podcasts.apple.com/es/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-with-steven-bartlett/id1291423644?i=1000650694138">Steven Bartlett's ever-inspiring Diary of a CEO podcast episode featuring love and relationship experts Julie and John Gottman</a>, I found myself pondering a question that often gets overshadowed by the hustle and bustle of daily life: When did I last check in with my dreams?Having clear goals and dreams was not the main focus of the podcast episode. Steven and his guests covered a wide range of topics. But on a couple of occasions, the Gottmans emphasised the significance of listening to, understanding and supporting your partner's dreams, as well as sharing your own aspirations with your partner. And this really resonated with me. I realised that amidst the chaos of raising two children, managing our careers, overseeing a home renovation project, and navigating the myriad responsibilities of life, conversations about our dreams have slipped through the cracks for my husband and I in recent years. The truth is I've not checked in with my dreams in a very long time. And I don't think he has either.&nbsp;So what are my dreams? It's a question I had to pause and truly reflect upon. In the rush of daily life, it's easy to lose sight of our aspirations and desires, relegating them to the back burner as we focus on the immediate demands of our responsibilities.&nbsp;As a life coach, I typically focus on supporting my clients to (re)discover their values (what's most important to them), define and acheive their goals (which may or may not be the same as their dreams) and overcome limiting beliefs and other challenges that may be holding them back from realising their full potential.&nbsp;But having revisited my dreams, I also recognise how important it is to support my clients reconnect with their dreams and aspirations, even amidst the chaos of life's demands. Here's how I would approach exploring your dreams and bridging the gap between where you are now and where you aspire to be:First and foremost, we would create a safe and supportive space for you to articulate your dreams and aspirations. Whether they're big, audacious goals or smaller, more immediate desires, every dream is valid and worthy of exploration.Next, we would delve into the practicalities of your current situation. What are the important aspects of your life, such as your career, family, and personal responsibilities? Understanding these factors allows us to assess how your dreams align with your existing commitments and obligations.From there, we would identify any gaps between your current reality and your desired future. What steps can you take to move closer to your dreams? What time frame do you have in mind?&nbsp;Are there any obstacles or challenges standing in your way? Together, we would develop a plan to overcome these barriers and make tangible progress towards your aspirations.Crucially, our work would also involve considering the impact of your dreams on the important people in your life, such as your partner, children, and close family members. How can you pursue your dreams while still honoring your commitments and responsibilities to those you love? Finding this balance is key to creating a fulfilling and harmonious life.Throughout this process, my role as a coach is to provide guidance, support, and accountability as you navigate the journey towards your dreams. Together, we will celebrate your successes, learn from setbacks, and continuously adapt and refine your path forward.In conclusion, checking in with our dreams is not just a luxury reserved for moments of quiet contemplation—it's an essential practice that empowers us to live authentically and purposefully. By exploring your dreams, identifying the steps needed to realise them, and considering how they align with your life's priorities, you can create a roadmap to a more fulfilling and meaningful future. So, when did you last check in with your dreams?

When did you last check in with your dreams?

Woman in the frost to bathe in an ice hole

No matter what our goals, it's easy to get caught up in the planning phase, meticulously crafting strategies and envisioning success. We may spend hours brainstorming, researching and analysing; believing that these efforts will propel us forward. However, in his enlightening work "Atomic Habits," author James Clear challenges this notion with the concept of motion vs action.<h3>Understanding the Difference: Motion vs Action</h3>Motion, as Clear defines it, is the planning, strategising and preparing for change. While it's an essential step, it's merely the precursor to action, the real driver of progress. Action, on the other hand, is the execution. The doing. The transformative force that propels us closer to our aspirations.A good example of this is my desire to get back in shape. My youngest child is almost 3, so this is something that's been on my radar for a while. I've researched gym memberships, enquired about yoga classes, spoken to a personal trainer about group sessions, invested in new workout gear. I've even signed up for a free trial month at the local gym. All motion, no action. Until I'm consistently working out 3-4 times a week, I'm merely flirting with the idea of fitness, stuck in the motion phase. It's that action, a commitment to regular exercise, that will propel me towards my goal of feeling that my body is strong again. This example underscores the universal truth: progress requires action, not just intention. <h3>The curious lesson: Quantity vs Quality</h3>Clear gives another powerful example of the concept from the University of Florida. A photography professor divided his class into two groups. One group would be graded on the quantity of photos they produced, while the other would be graded on the quality of a single photo. Surprisingly, the group focused on quantity produced the most outstanding works, as they embraced imperfection and learned through the process of trial and error.Online business strategist Steph Taylor's notion of Imperfect Action beautifully complements Clear's concept, emphasising the importance of embracing imperfection and taking action despite our fears of failure or inadequacy. Imperfect Action encourages us to move forward, to iterate, to learn from our mistakes, and to grow through the process.As a life coach and small business owner, I understand the allure of meticulous planning and the fear of imperfection that often holds us back. However, I also recognise the transformative power of action—the small, imperfect steps that lead to meaningful progress.<h3>Real-Life Examples of Imperfect Action</h3>Consider Jennifer, a woman returning to work after 4 years as a stay-at-home-mum. Faced with the daunting task of re-entering the workforce, Jennifer immersed herself in planning: updating her resume, researching companies and attending networking events. Despite her thorough preparations, she hesitated to apply for roles, fearing rejection and uncertainty.Contrast Sarah's approach with that of Rachel, also returning to work after an extended break to care for her elderly mother. Instead of dwelling in the realm of motion, Rachel embraced imperfect action. She applied for positions aligned with her skills and aspirations, recognising that progress comes from taking proactive steps forward. Through trial and error, Rachel gained valuable insights and eventually secured a fulfilling role that surpassed her expectations.<h3>Overcoming the Fear of Imperfection and Taking the First Step</h3>This scenario resonates with individuals (particularly women) exploring career transitions, promotions, or role changes. The fear of failure or the desire for perfection often immobilises us, hindering progress and stalling growth. Yet, it's through imperfect action—taking deliberate steps despite uncertainty—that we discover our capabilities and forge new paths forward.Similarly, expats navigating life overseas encounter the dichotomy of motion versus action. While planning and preparation are essential, it's the willingness to immerse oneself in new experiences, embrace challenges and adapt to unfamiliar environments that fosters growth and resilience.<h3>How Imperfect Action Can Lead to Greater Success in Career and Life</h3>As a life coach, I understand the aspirations and challenges of individuals in diverse stages of life and career. I support my clients transition from planning to progress, from overwhelm to empowerment.&nbsp;Are you ready to embrace imperfect action, embark on a transformative journey and unlock your full potential? <a data-mce-href="https://carmeldrake.com/contact" href="https://carmeldrake.com/contact">Get in with me touch today</a> and together, we'll turn your aspirations into reality. One imperfect step at a time. 😊