The Power of Expectations Part 2: Expectations of Others
In Part 1 of this series, I explored how the expectations we set for ourselves shape our experiences and well-being. Now, let’s delve into a more complex aspect: our expectations of others and the expectations they have of us.
These mutual expectations can have a profound impact on our quality of life, relationships, careers, and overall sense of fulfilment. Understanding and managing them is essential for living a balanced, intentional and happy life.
The Impact of Expectations on Relationships
Expectations in relationships, whether personal or professional, are often unspoken but deeply felt. We may assume that others should know what we want or need without explicitly communicating it. We can experience frustration and/or disappointment when those expectations are unmet.
Research shows that unmet expectations in relationships often stem from a lack of clear communication. Partners who discuss their expectations openly tend to experience higher relationship satisfaction and less conflict. Regularly checking in with those around you—whether it's your partner, colleagues or friends—can prevent misunderstandings and help align mutual expectations .
Practical Tip: Make it a habit to discuss expectations openly. Simple questions like, "What do you expect from me in this situation?" or "Here’s what I’m hoping for; how does that align with your expectations?" can significantly improve communication and relationship satisfaction.
Navigating the Expectations Others Have of Us
The expectations others place on us can be overwhelming, especially when they conflict with our values or capabilities. Whether it’s meeting a partner’s needs, living up to a boss’s standards or fulfilling family obligations, these external pressures can lead to stress and resentment if not managed effectively.
A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology highlights that misaligned expectations at work often result in lower job satisfaction and higher levels of burnout . This underscores the importance of aligning expectations through dialogue and setting realistic boundaries.
Practical Tip: Be clear (with yourself and others) about what you can realistically offer. If you’re feeling pressured, it is okay to say, "I understand that this is important to you, but here’s what I’m realistically able to deliver", no matter how awkward it feels. This not only protects your well-being but also fosters mutual respect and understanding.
Disarming Others with Effective Communication
We often expect others to react in a certain way, especially when we've known them for a long time. These expectations can lead to predictable, sometimes negative interactions. Dr. David Burns, a renowned psychiatrist and author, offers a powerful strategy within his "Five Secrets of Effective Communication" called disarming. The idea is simple yet profound: the next time you feel upset by a comment your partner or colleague makes, instead of jumping in to defend yourself or arguing off the bat, find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable at first. And even if the truth only represents 10% of the overall comment. This unexpected approach can defuse tension and open up a more constructive dialogue.
Practical Tip: Next time you're in a difficult conversation, try disarming the other person by acknowledging the truth in their perspective. For instance, if a colleague criticises your work, instead of getting defensive, you might say, "You’re right, I can see how that part of the project might not be meeting your expectations. Let’s discuss how we can improve it." In my own experience, this technique is extremely powerful despite it's simplicity. It can transform the dynamics of your interactions and reduce the stress that comes from expecting conflict.
Moving Forward with Intentionality
Managing the complex web of expectations—both your own and those of others—requires intentionality. It’s about being clear, communicative, and compassionate, both with yourself and those around you. By setting realistic expectations and fostering open dialogue, you can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships and create a life that aligns with your values.
As best-selling novelist Anne Lamott wisely observed:
"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen."
Being mindful of this, and remembering that it works both ways, can help you approach expectations with a healthier perspective, reducing the likelihood of disappointment and fostering a more positive, balanced life.