Belonging Abroad: Why Life Can Feel Lonely — and What You Can Do About It

During my first few years in Madrid, I worked in an office. Every morning around 11, we’d head down to a local bar for breakfast — colleagues chatting over coffee and pinchos of tortilla. I’d nod along to conversations I half-understood, playing what I can only describe as conversation tennis: turning my head from one speaker to the other, desperate to follow every word (without success) and rarely joining in. Everyone was warm and welcoming, yet I felt like I was watching my own life from the outside. I laughed in the right places and yet I still had that deep sense of being unseen — like a friendly hanger-on rather than a real participant.

That’s the paradox of living abroad. You can be included, yet feel invisible.

I recently listened to an episode of The Imperfects — a podcast hosted by three Australian blokes who have honest, often funny conversations about the struggles and imperfections of life. The August episode, “We’re Longing for Belonging” explores our fundamental human need to feel part of something. In it, Dr Emily Musgrove, the show’s resident psychologist, explains that belonging isn’t just a pleasant emotion; it’s essential. As Maslow’s hierarchy of needs reminds us, once our basic physical and safety needs are met, belonging sits at the very core of what it means to be human. It shapes our sense of identity, self-worth and wellbeing. Listening to Dr Emily, I realised how easy it is — especially for those of us living abroad — to mistake fitting in for truly belonging.

For many women who’ve relocated to Madrid for their partner’s job, that distinction is painfully real. You’ve given up your career, your social circle, perhaps even your sense of purpose — and now you find yourself in a life that looks lovely on paper, yet feels slightly hollow. It’s a kind of quiet loneliness that doesn’t come from being alone, but from not feeling like you belong.

1. Belonging vs Fitting In

The Imperfects episode captured this difference perfectly. Fitting in is about adapting — changing yourself to be accepted. Belonging is about being accepted as you are. When we chase fitting in, we risk abandoning parts of ourselves in the process. True belonging requires vulnerability — letting people see us, even when we’re unsure if we’ll be accepted.

For anyone who’s moved abroad, this lands hard. When your surroundings, language and daily rhythm all shift, it’s easy to lose sight of who you are and what anchors you. That identity loss after moving can leave you searching for belonging in places that never quite feel secure.

2. Belonging and Connection: Similar but Not the Same

Listening to the podcast also made me reflect on the difference between connection and belonging. Connection is about relationship — the conversations, shared laughs and fleeting moments of understanding that remind us we’re not alone. Belonging runs deeper. It’s the quiet certainty that we’re accepted as we are, that we’ve found a place where we truly fit.

You can have plenty of connection without ever feeling belonging — but you can’t have belonging without connection. When I first moved abroad, I built plenty of connections: dinners out, weekends away, hikes in the sierra (it helped that I was in my late 20s). But real belonging took longer. It required time, vulnerability and mutual acceptance.

3. The In-Between World

Once you’ve lived abroad, belonging becomes more complex. You start to straddle two worlds. When you visit your country of origin, you realise you’ve changed — you see things differently, you don’t quite fit the old mould. But in your adopted country, you’re still marked as different.

It’s a strange kind of limbo — rooted in two places, but never fully at home in either. At first, I found this unsettling. Now, I genuinely see it as richness. Living between cultures gives you perspective, empathy and adaptability. It’s taught me that belonging abroad isn’t about geography. It’s about authenticity — being grounded in who you are, wherever you are. 

4. How to Rebuild Belonging Abroad

If you’re feeling on the sidelines of your own life right now, these ideas might help:

• Start small. Look for micro-moments of connection: a familiar face at the café, a short chat at school pick-up.
• Lean into your difference. Your accent, background and story make you interesting. Belonging doesn’t require sameness.
• Challenge your narrative. If your inner voice says “I don’t belong here”, notice it — and ask whether it’s really true.
• Create belonging for others. When you make others feel seen, you build genuine community.
• Stay patient. True belonging takes time. It grows through consistency, not intensity.

These small steps may not change everything overnight, but they lay the groundwork for how to feel at home abroad in a way that’s authentic and sustainable.

5. Reflection

I’d love to invite you to pause and reflect for a moment. Next time you're out for a walk or in the shower, have a think about:

• What does belonging mean to you?
• When have you felt most at home in yourself or your surroundings?
• What helps you feel part of something bigger?
• How has living abroad shaped your understanding of belonging?
• And what might “home” mean to you now?

These aren’t quick questions. But reflecting on them is often the first step towards rebuilding a stronger sense of belonging — both to place and to self.

6. A Gentle Invitation

If this topic resonates — if you’ve moved abroad and feel you’ve lost your sense of identity, purpose or belonging — you don’t have to navigate it alone.

I offer a free 30-minute discovery call where we can explore what’s feeling off, what you’d love to rebuild, and how to start creating a life here that truly feels your own.

Click here to book a time that suits you. 

Because belonging isn’t something that just happens. It’s something we build — through connection, authenticity and small, intentional steps 💪🏼✨